The Hook-Up and The Tune-Up

I am so so sorry everyone who has been waiting for the Hook-up and tune-up part of my blog. The wait is over!  Here it is and now you can experience what my family witnessed on that day, (March 13th and 14th of 2014). I am so grateful that my Aunt Kathy came from New Jersey, cousin Colleen from Fort Worth, TX (go Horned Toads!), my mom from El Paso, TX and my sister Becky and brother in law, Beto, from Fallbook, CA came all this way to be here for this special moment. My sister Carli hosted us at her home in Houston, TX where the surgery and hook up took place.  

Thank you to all who supported me and prayed for me through out this process.  It has been an incredible success and has made quite a difference in my life.  My hearing and articulation has greatly improved.  Everyday has been a learning moment and each day I hear new sounds and each sound has been a breakthrough.

The biggest problem I have these days are that I hear sounds but have a hard time understanding or making out what I hear.  That is the challenge I face daily but definitely is improving!

I went to two different appointments.  The first appointment was the first time I put on the implant device and was able to hear the first new sounds.  The second day was the tune up of sounds on the device. I went once every two-three weeks to get tuned up to higher and louder sounds during the summer.  Now, I am going every three-six months until I feel I do not need tuned up that often.  Then each year after that I would check in to see if I am set with what I am hearing.

 All set and ready to go get hooked up!

The three sisters together again

 Stopped at the Egg and I for breakfast before the appointment

Going up!

 This is the magnet implanted in my ear/head

 Hooked up to the machine to adjust the suitable volumes to hear

After the hook up we went to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate

 Becky checking it out

 So incredibly grateful my sister and bro in law came all the way from California to be here for this!

We goof off too much

Day two of getting tuned up  (When I say tuned up, I mean tuned up)

The device comes with a switch board which controls the volume and the pitch of the sounds I allow myself to be comfortable with.  We started small then worked our way up to the sounds I hear now.

 My brother in law from CA and my sister from TX

Made my first phone call on the implant to Aunt Kathy and Colleen

The device around my neck is a wireless Bluetooth and headphone connected to my device on my ear which enables me to speak on the phone as well as listen to music.

 Apparently it was a huge moment for my siblings and mom

Talking to Joey on the phone via bluetooth

Trying to figure out songs playing via blue tooth

My bro in law just had to be in the pic

After both appointments, I was exhausted. Hearing in a new way wore me out. Notice my new puppy sleeping with me!

Mimosas to celebrate!

My sister Carli, Cousin from Fort Worth, Colleen, Me, and sister from CA, Becky

 After the implant hook up we did what our family does best when together, play games!

This is the covered lips test to see if I understand what she is asking or saying.  That was hard!

I would like to post more videos but the memory is too great.  Anyone know how to edit videos and be able to reduce the memory to be able to share on here?  It would be so helpful!

Why Robin William's Death is Personal For Me

In the mist of this tragic death,  I have never cried over a celebrity death until now.  Robin Williams' death is truly devastating and heartbreaking.  It hits close to home for me because like Robin, I suffer from severe depression.  Just a couple weeks ago I was close to getting where Robin is today and I cried out for help almost everyday.  This is a man who entertained us with laughter and made sure that all his friends were happy.  But he, himself, was fighting a disease of alcoholism and drugs as well.  No one should ever let depression consume their life.

Dear Friends and Family, please be aware that when someone goes through depression, they should never be alone and they always need someone there to help them. They need all the love and support you can give them. Depression isn't just a feeling, its a mind-controlling disease that just consumes who we are.  When people are depressed, the mind just shuts down and there is no control nor motivation to live life.  It is consumed by darkness and negativity.  It's a very, very painful experience.

The way I best explain it to people is like being stuffed into a small dark closet and it gets suffer by the minute.  Your mind becomes your own enemy giving you all the thoughts that drive you to escape the pain and darkness and suffering.  You feel like causing yourself harm or others harm will help release what you feel, hence, drugs, alcohol, suicide, cutting, fighting, arguing, anything negative.  I hate to say it but I have done it all but attempt suicide since I am still here today but I am not going to deny that I have attempted suicide a number of times. I have fought it numerous times throughout my life and I come out stronger each time thanks to the ever loving friends and family and their continuous support.

Here are two messages I felt that refers to Robin Williams' death and I would encourage you to pass the word on.  We are not alone.  I am not alone.  YOU are not alone.

Why Robin Williams' Death Is Personal For Depression Patients | YourTango

Dear Friends, Like many of you, when I first heard the news about Robin Williams’ death I felt a great sense of disbelief. As an entertainer, he transcended generations and genres to delight and inspire millions of people. He devoted his life to bringing joy and laughter to others, so it’s no surprise that he touched so many people so profoundly. Like so many, I was surprised at how much of an effect his loss had on me. I remember watching Robin with my children. He was a welcome and familiar face whose almost child-like enthusiasm connected with all of us. He brought compassion and humanity to his dramatic roles —his portrayal of a psychiatrist in Good Will Hunting is my all-time favorite. As someone who gave so much of himself to others, Robin struggled privately with addiction and severe depression which can distort your thinking and make a period of depression feel endless. The truth is that we don’t talk enough about depression. If you are worried for yourself, a friend or a loved one simply talking about it can be helpful. Learning the signs, symptoms and treatment options about depression and other mental health conditions is a place to start. You can visit www.nami.org or call the NAMI HelpLine at (800) 850-NAMI for information and support. If you are in crisis, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255). We all deal with loss in different ways. Some of us might have watched Robin Williams’ movies yesterday or remembered a time we saw perform. Others spoke about how depression had affected them and how they related to him. Almost as soon as the news broke many NAMI supporters made memorial donations in honor of “Robin” or “Mork” or even “O Captain! My Captain.” Others were inspired to call the NAMI HelpLine to volunteer. Mental illness can be isolating. But it doesn’t have to be. When we talk about mental illness, depression and suicide we inform each other about how to help. Robin Williams will be missed. We wish him peace. We offer our condolences and thoughts to his family as we say goodbye to a fearless and beloved entertainer. Dr. Ken Duckworth Medical Director, NAMI

I am proud to say that I am a member of this wonderful organization and they have done so much and more for people like me.  Many cities have a local organization.  I strongly encourage you to support it, join it, or volunteer for it.  Even though you don't have a mental illness, someone you know and love may. Robin, may you "bangarang" in Heaven, granting wishes far and wide, show love and affection like Ms. Doubtfire, Mork it up, and respect the "O'Captain, my Captain" forever.  Your genie self will fly on always.
I love you all and I pray faith brings light to those in darkness.

It's All Due to My Own Clumsiness

It's been a crazy month I tell you.  I am sorry about the delay in my blogging and will post soon!

Feeling like Julia Child or Rachael Ray I decided to make a fine, fancy dish of chicken and potato fries.  Did you know that your finger isn't a part of that dish?  Well apparently, I didn't which landed me in the ER with a badly sliced thumb on my dominant hand.  It's been a painful experience and I advise you to handle all, and I mean all sharp tools with care.  It's not worth the pain.

Then, the very next day, the power went out in the apartment and mind you, I've been battling with my air conditioner not working for the past month and half. So when I finally got air, the power disappears.  Turns out the unit near by blew up so the complex had no power.... so it wasn't the bill... whew!  In a state of heat and sanity to escape the scorching place, I bent over to pick up a bag and thew out my back.  

So here you have it, an injured thumb which needs to be elevated almost everyday and it's already been almost a week of throbbing and pressure, and a sore back to the point of no walking. All due to my own clumsiness. I am sorry about this but as soon as things recover, I'll be back!!  Stay Tuned!   (Oh my gosh this is a pun for me... find out soon!)

Trainers, and Hearing Aids, and Implants, Oh My!

Toto,  I've a feeling we're not in the hearing world anymore....

All my life I had thought my hearing loss was due to nerve damage.  But according to my recent MRI, it was malformation in the cochlea area which is the cause of my hearing loss. I had never gotten an MRI or any kind of scan on my ear to configure the hearing loss in my life and this was a first.  I have had tons of hearing tests done and attempted all kinds of technology aside from the cochlear implant to help me hear throughout my life.

Growing up, I had a special machine to assist me in hearing called a auditory trainer that I wore during school hours.  It was also used at home as well. It was a brown box with two cords and ear molds attached to it. I wore one in each ear.  My teacher had a similar one with a microphone attached instead of the cords.  I was able to hear amplified voices of my teacher. It was necessary for those who were deaf or hearing impaired to wear when going to a deaf education school.  

This is an updated version of the trainer that kids today wear.  I wore similar ones but in brown and plain design.  Instead of hearing aids as shown here on the left, I wore ear molds which went inside my ears. 

I started out at Hillside Elementary School with the deaf program. I worked learned from teachers who knew sign language and worked with lip reading and speech therapy.  By the time I was in deaf education second grade, I tested high and it was decided I would start going to a mainstreamed school (regular education for hearing kids) nearby my home.

"There was this one time in band camp.... "oh no I'm sorry, not band camp.  I don't know why I mentioned that.  I've never been there!

My mom was a homemaker at the time I started going to school. She was a crafty woman.  She loved to make my outfits.  She also always made a bow for my hair to match my little dresses. On those dresses, she'd sew pockets for me to put my trainer in.  One of the dresses I had, had a pocket on the inside of it the dress.  I came into kindergarten and lifted up my dress to show everyone my trainer under my dress.... oh the lovely mind of a child.  I don't know what I was thinking then.

Matching outfit made by my mom

"Scarecrow: I haven't got any 'hearing'... only straw.

Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got any 'hearing'?

Scarecrow: I don't know... But some people without 'hearing' do an awful lot of talking... don't they?

Dorothy: Yes, I guess you're right."

The Wizard Of OZ (1939)

MGM Studios Productions

My mom tried to teach me to talk when I was younger.... I wouldn't.  Once I got to talking, I couldn't shut up.  Still can't today....  Bummer.  (Another story coming up!)

Going to a mainstreamed school was a challenge for someone like myself.  It was difficult to get along with hearing kids when they didn't understand my disability.  I was often picked on and bullied.  I was able to keep my grades up and be able to get into the GT program (Gifted and Talented) otherwise known as the advanced classes. I remained in the mainstream program all throughout my education years through college.

When I was in fifth grade, I was tired of being made fun of with my machines and rebelled against wearing them.  That was the last I ever saw of the ugly brown machines.  I continued to wear an hearing aid in my left ear.  My right was completely deaf. It wouldn't have done anything for me if I wore a hearing aid in it. I called it the dead ear.

This is the hearing aid I wore in my ear all the way up until the implant. I wore the most powerful and loudest hearing aid on the market.  That's how bad of a hearing loss I had.

I still have the brown trainer.  It is amazing to look back at it and see how far technology has come.  They still use them today in school except this time, they are digital and kids can still wear their hearing aids and the trainers would connect with the hearing aids. No more tangled cords. No more biting or chewing or eating the cords (which was the worst habit of mine). I can't tell you how many times those cords were replaced. What was I? Part human, part goat?

I know you would like to see about the implant hook-up.  I am currently working and looking at the videos and pictures for my next blog.  There's too many of them!  Stay Tuned!

Grandma's Lottery

I've won the lottery. No, I'm not kidding. Ever since my Grandpa passed, my Grandma took it upon herself to buy lottery tickets on a weekly basis.  She told me a couple of times what her goals were for winning.  She wanted to win so she could buy me a cochlear implant, contribute to the great-grand kids' college fund, and provide an income to those of us in need. She had no intention to keep the millions if she ever won.  She even said that she'd give it charity.

Way before I even decided I was going to get a cochlear implant, I'd always ask her why did she get lottery? I basically saw no point in spending five bucks that you'd never see again and on a weekly basis, therefore investing a lot of money on lottery with odds of slim to none in hopes of winning money. She'd always be nonchalant and state she was doing it for me so I could hear better. It was her hope. I'd laugh at her and say like that'll happen. I never wanted a cochlear. But she did. She had always wanted it for me. She prayed about it. It was her wish that I would get one.

When that Sunday came and I knew I had to get the implant, I face timed with my mom and grandma happened to be there, I told her that I had decided to get the implant. She threw her head back and said "Thank God!" and tears were shed. She said it was about time that I decided.  That's when it hit me in realization that she had wanted it for so long. She said she had faith in me and never gave up hoping that one day, I would make the choice.

Grandma was so excited about me getting the implant that I was the talk of the community. She wanted to introduce me to her friend who also had the implant. She took it upon herself to gather information about it. She was so thrilled to be with me through each step of the process.

When the time got closer to my surgery, Grandma became sick and went into the hospital. She was in an introduced coma. Many times I had wondered if I should have stalled the surgery so my mom and I could be with her. But we stayed committed to it because it is what she always wanted for me.

Throughout the whole surgery ordeal, I had confidence everything was going to be okay.  No benefit of doubt, no skeptics, no freaking out.  I felt I had God and my grandparents with me by my side.  I knew it was going to be easy and simple.

After my surgery, my Grandma got worse.  She woke up for a little bit and was conscious of everything going on.  When asking about the family, she was told that my mom and I were in Houston and I just had surgery which went well.  She prayed and praised God.  She knew everything was going to be okay.

Grandma passed about a week after my surgery.  IT broke my heart that she wouldn't be around for me to hear her for the first time with the implant.  I knew in a way she was with me when I got hooked up with the implant.

I realized that I had won the lottery.  I won with having so much faith and hope and love.  It was Grandma (and Grandpa) that I felt was with me throughout the whole thing.  The one person who wanted it so much for me more than myself, never lost faith nor hope. I believe it is what made the whole life changing surgery flow so smoothly.  I felt I was so rich in faith and hope because of her.  This is my gift to her and I am honored to do what her last wish was.  I love you Grandma.  I miss you!

Decisions, Smchisions

I'm sorry to keep you hanging like Dallas did.  I think the biggest question that just has to be answered; who shot J.R.?????

Now back to the story. Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around....

Oops wrong story... if you want to continue on that topic... I'd suggest seeing The Princess Bride.  It's just inconceivable!

As to where we are, Dr. Suchanova gets all of my hearing results and tests and sits down with me in that second hour. She said it seems like there isn't the possibility of my hearing returning and that I seem to be a good candidate for a cochlear implant.  That was the last ever resort if I wasn't going to be able to get my hearing back and from the way that she spoke, it sounded like my hearing would never come back which is the cause of progressive hearing loss. I've hit milestones in my life at times when I'd wake up and couldn't hear anything.  It happened when I was in first grade and when I was 16.  Then eventually it would come back. She strongly encouraged me to consider getting the implant surgery. IT would change my life. She prescribed an MRI and an appointment with Dr. Chang,who was the highly specialized cochlear implant surgeon.

Here comes the decisions, smchisions that I had to make.  A life changing choice to consider.  I would say it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.  I never really considered getting an implant.  Back when my parents considered getting me one in high school, I was opposed it.  One of the reasons was because I loved competitive swimming.  (You ain't got nothing on me Michael Phelps!) At that time technology was sensitive and I chose swimming.  Never thought nor discussed it again.  Until now.

I had quit working because I found my lack of hearing caused so much frustrations.  I worked in an area where I help guests and communication is a must.  At that point, I felt even more restricted when it came to even think of finding a new job. That's when I started seeing the benefits of having a cochlear implant.  I wasn't sure if I wanted a machine in my body.  I was scared to death about the whole idea because it was a life changing surgery.  Everyone I knew encouraged me to get it.  I was referred to many stories and youtube videos of people getting the implants and hearing for the first time. I prayed very hard.  Every one had nothing but prayers and support to offer.

Then one beautiful Sunday morning I joined my sister at her church and in the middle of mass, I started crying uncontrollably. I wasn't feeling happy, sad, or anything.  It was a cry of peace.  At that moment I knew.  I was going to get the implant and everything will be alright.  God was with me at my side and I believed that he had a hand in this.

I had nothing but the faith in power of prayer.  So remember prayer is a powerful thing.  I encourage you to pray.  I will pray with you too. More tomorrow and God Bless!

 “Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." 

Matthew 7:7 

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”

Matthew 21:22

The Loss of Hearing Everything

I turned 30 in October of 2013.  A pivotal point in my life.  Thought everything was going to change at that point.  I'd find love, start a family, have a successful career with a Monday to Friday,  8am to 5pm job. All that was glamorized by Sex and the City, media, and magazines. I thought the city would throw a parade in my honor with confetti and fireworks galore and I'd get up on the float and sing "Twist and Shout" and someone will give me a red Ferrari to drive for the day.  Oh what?  Sorry Ferris, that was your thing.  Never mind then. I'm single, living with a puppy in a one bedroom apartment, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I love the single life. I'll tell you why.... Another time.

Back to 30.  It was about two days before Halloween and My mom and Aunt were in town visiting, doing the whole Thelma and Louise thing in Texas (excluding the ending that is; they are safely back home and not driving over any cliffs mind you).  I hitched a ride with them, a la Brad Pitt at the start of his career, to one of their stops where my other sister lived. I woke up one morning and put my hearing aid on.  Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I'm profoundly deaf. Couldn't hear anything... just a humming noise, muffled noises.  The kind like when your eyes get blurry for a minute?  Very similar to hearing.  Thought it was the hearing aid.  We took it to an local Katy, TX audiologist (ear and hearing aid specialist) to see if it was the hearing aid.  Sadly, it wasn't. It was me.

I saw an E.N.T. doctor in San Antonio and it was a horrible experience.  This doctor had me in the room with five other nurses and just looked in my ear and didn't ask me very much about my hearing history.  He wanted me to see an audiologist. They said they would find one for me and schedule an appointment. I cannot believe it to this day, it is very hard to find an audiologist right away in San Antonio.  I never heard from them after that appointment. What's up with that? So, my mom suggested the place we went to when we had my hearing aid checked.  So I headed up to Katy (Houston), (no Thelma and Louise this time :-/) and had an appointment with the audiology place.  Day of my appointment, they call my mom canceling the appointment because the person who was to see me was sick.  They referred me to Texas E.N.T. Specialists.

They took me in that very day and I met Dr. Suchanova who was an E.N.T.(Ear Nose & Throat) Specialist. A sweet doctor I tell you.  It was the best experience I've had with someone who has an interest in hearing loss. I was with her for two hours.  One hour consisted of covering my hearing history and my recent hearing loss as well as audiology test. I got an audiologist immediately in that office right away! The next hour was discussing some choices.  She referred me to the Texas Ear Center in Houston, Texas,
( http://www.texasearcenter.com/ ) and little did I know I was referred to one of  the most highly specialized cochlear implant surgeon in the nation.

I've made a goal of keeping my blogs short and sweet so you can keep coming back each day and read a bit.  So I will keep this as to be continued. :-)

Why Faith, Hope, and Love? And Laughter too!?!

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

-1st Corinthians 13:13

So you must be thinking why laughter? As you can see Laughter isn't seen anywhere associated with this biblical quote which is a well known verse nationwide. Many different interpretations all deliver one simple message.  I've had this mantra since I rejoined my faith and religion (Catholic, mind you) which was this quote. Well the "laughter" part is unique for me. Hence, my website. I think it should be your mantra too. Why? I can tell you, I've seen doctors of all kinds. Not one has given me the perfect prescription. Then, my grandfather, my mom's dad, gave me the best one. "Laughter is the best medicine." It became my grandmother's usual metaphor as well as my mother's. 

Grandpa had a memorable laughter. I really can't describe it. But I even though I'm hearing impaired, I can still hear it. The jolly kind, like Santa. I heard it ever since I was a little girl. That man never had a dull day. Neither did grandma. Even though they are no longer with us, I can hear their laughter still. When I hear it, I can't help but chuckle a bit which I am surprised about. Their laughter is infectious even when they aren't around! Although in spirit of course. Grandpa would laugh in the voice of Donald Duck, Goofy, and any silly voices. No matter what he said or did, he'd laugh.  And grandma's somewhere in the back chuckling and shaking her head.  Grandma and Grandpa were very religious people. My role models who I have looked up to.  They lived practically on faith, hope, love, and you guessed it... Laughter.
So remember, have faith, hope, and love in your life, each minute of the day.  Oh, don't forget Laughter.  Listen to to the doc here. Laughter is the best medicine. Make sure you laugh no matter what.  You'll immediately feel better.

My Lovely Grandparents who always laughed.

We miss you always.

Grandma and I sharing laughs.

This is on my wall across from my bed. When I wake up everyday, I see this.

Thank you Ric for this amazing gift! It sure means so much to me!

This goes for all of you out there too!

The Introductory to Butterflies and Unicorns

Sure, I'm screwed up,but who isn't?  I can see that life goes on.  I've discovered some very simple key terms in life to get by. Faith, Hope, Love, and Laughter. Thus, the name of my blog website.  I can warn you here if you read on, some things are not pleasant at all. There'll be some negative things here mostly about what kind of life I've gone through.  I can say that my life isn't all butterflies, rainbows, unicorns, and so on.  I will be merely open about this.  I suffer from Severe Depression.  That's the niche part of my life.  I'm tired of keeping it behind closed doors.  I want to shout it to the world and somehow everyone understands me.  But a girl can dream right?  So, let's see where I should begin?  This is a way for me to either vent, let my mind go, brush up on my writing skills, or sneak advice, support, or anything positive life can offer.  I'm moving forward, not backwards. What happened is in the past, what can you do about it?
I could unleash a boatload of stories here but I'm not going to.  The best thing I've done in the past few weeks was ask for help.  I've garnered nothing but hope, encouragement, friendship, love, support, and family.  And it is amazing. And it is exactly what I need.  Of course, I'm seeing doctors. I'm on medication, possibly for the rest of my life. I'll tell you what the butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns are in life.  They are love, faith, hope, laughter, friendship, family, and the memories we all share.  In general, the way I see it, life is like butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns.  Very rare, precious, and priceless. And there's only so much to share. Yours.  Mine.
More later...

Recipe for Life
Lots and lots of Lovin'
Barrel full of Laughter
Chock full of Faith
Infinity load of Hope
Bagful of Forgiveness
All the Friendship you can get
Treasures of Memories
Bucketlist of Adventures
*Mix it in a bowl of Life and let it set.  Live it out till you can!