Life with Shiloh

Motherhood is a joy.  The most precious gift was given to me on February 12, 2014.  My sisters had adopted a stray puppy from the Humane Society for me as a gift for going through the implant surgery and for Valentine's Day.  It was the best gift I've ever gotten in my life aside from Peanut, Max, and Lacey. I debated on a name for her.  Immediately when I saw her something in me was whispering Sh... Sh... and I was leaning towards Shadow.
I was at the doctor's for my follow up and it immediately hits me in the waiting room.  Shiloh!  I researched the name and the definition and texted my sisters and father for approval.  Dad and Carli loved it.  Becky, not so much.  She didn't like people name for dogs.  She later came to love it and saw that Shiloh definitely suited the cute puppy.  Poor Shiloh.  She was in the kennel for a month before my sisters found her and adopted her.  She automatically became a part of the family and was loved. Never did I think I would own a puppy.  I did talk about getting one and investing in one but never found the time or the money to.  I like to believe Shiloh became my companion at the perfect time.

It's amazing for some one who doesn't talk to you can speak and understand you in thousands of words through their characteristics.

So here's to our second year of being each other's companions!  I am celebrating this day as the day you came into my life Shiloh!

Shiloh understands so many things and has the intelligence of a lab.  She knows to sit, lay down, shake, go to bed, go outside, and many other commands.  One of our favorite commands is telling her to go find Pinky, Jack, Mistletoe, Cow, Reindeer, Ball-Ba, Wubba, and all those other toys that have unique names.  She knows them all and can find them in no time!  She is that smart. I'm a proud mommy.

Her favorite hobby and mission each day is to play fetch!  She loves to go outside and play fetch.

She loves to cuddle and to sleep on mommy's lap and her Grandpa's lap too!  Much to the chagrin of Grandma.  She loves to bury herself under the covers at bed time and inches her way up to the pillow by morning.

She is very protective of her mommy and does get into fights when mommy pets other dogs or invites other dogs to come to her.  That's my sweet girl but she is learning to share mommy and to be friendlier to other furry companions too.

She loves being around new people everyday and is always ready to jump and greet them.
She does not have a bad bone in her body and I am so proud of her patience and behavior towards others.

Shiloh, I am forever grateful you are my most loyal companion and you have been there for me so many times,  You are there to dry my tears and to make me laugh, You are always there to give kisses to me and give me so much love.  Everyday with you never feels like there's enough love or time to give.  Thank you my sweet puppy for being just you!

Happy 2nd Get-Together Day!  I love you sweet thing!  Here's to many more!!!!

Super Bowl 50 Biggest Fail

If you haven't' read this article please do!

Someone Owes Marlee Matlin and the Deaf People a Huge Apology

Frustrated from not being able to watch Marlee sign America the Beautiful or the Star Spangled Banner, I am fuming and looking for who to blame and cause a ruckus about this.  I am in shock and awe that the CBS broadcasting company chose to introduce her but only show flashes of her signing twice.  Of course, you may tell me it'd show up on the internet somewhere eventually.  Well that's not right for someone like me or others who are deaf or hard of hearing.  I saw on the internet pictures of the jumbo-tron at the stadium that they had Lady Gaga singing and Marlee in the little box on the lower right hand corner signing.  Why didn't they consider that same thing on national television?  Sign Language is visual, not heard.  We were watching Gaga sing.  We could hear her sing if we were watching Marlee and it wouldn't have made any difference.

When you say you will accommodate the hard of hearing/deaf, please open your minds to the best possible availability to do so.

I am a deaf person with a cochlear implant and I am working on my ASL (American Sign Language) and Marlee is my role model for it.  Shame on the network, shame on those who decided to introduce her.  Did you know she has signed for the Super Bowl three times?  I didn't know till I saw her post. That means she was there signing for two years and I didn't even know it. Please, please I beg you please provide a small screen on the left, right corners of the large screen  next time so we, the deaf and hard of hearing, can see the emotions of the song in sign.  It's a beautiful thing I tell you.

Keep up the fantastic work Marlee!  Do come back next year and hopefully they will put you on TV signing the whole time!!!!

Sure, I'm Screwed Up But Who Isn't? Life Goes on Right?: To the Lady in the Blue Scrubs With the Two Boys a...

Sure, I'm Screwed Up But Who Isn't? Life Goes on Right?: To the Lady in the Blue Scrubs With the Two Boys a...: To the lady in the blue scrubs with the two boys at Whataburger, I recognized you.  I didn't think I would but I did.  It wasn't a...

To the Lady in the Blue Scrubs With the Two Boys at Whataburger,

To the lady in the blue scrubs with the two boys at Whataburger,

I recognized you.  I didn't think I would but I did.  It wasn't a good recognition.  But you know what popped into my head the moment I saw your face?  You were that person.  You were the person who laughed at me, made fun of me, chided me, told me I would never be good enough, cool enough, spread rumors about me, made the class laugh at me and so on.  You bullied me when we were younger.

I was shocked at how I recognized you and all these negative thoughts of you popped in my head.  It was like re-living those moments in mere seconds when I saw you.  No, I wasn't scared.  No, I did not coward in fear of you coming over to greet me or laugh at me.  No, I was shocked more than anything.  I was shocked at how I remembered you.  I'm sure that's not the kind of reputation you wanted to be remembered by. The last time I saw you, we were teenagers.

I remembered you as the girl who made fun of me.  That's how I knew you and that's how I'd remember you for the rest of my life.  I don't know how or if you remember me.  I don't know if you think nothing happened between us or if you remember me as the weak, nerdy, four-eyed, overweight, permed hair girl. All in all, I don't know the kind of life you had or your perspective.  But I'll let you know something.  A person like you stays in a person like me (aka the bully and the bullied)'s mind for life.  Your name is a name I'd remember.  When I hear your name in reference to anything else beside you, I think of you.  Your face, your voice, your name.  It's something that someone like me never forgets.  I don't even remember all the names of my classmates or what grade they all were in with me but I remember you.  It was years ago.  I'm 32 now.  This was middle school I was referring to.  You are plastered in my mind forever as the girl who made fun of me.  Why?

Well, you caused pain, you caused hurt, you caused my self-esteem to go down. You made me doubt everything.  I was a weak, insecure teenager and I let you in to hurt me.  It's the kind of thing that stays with you for the rest of your life, like a scar.

When I saw you, there was a urge of putting on a show in front of you to show you that I am better than you and you cannot get to me anymore.  I wanted to taunt you and show you that I was single, living the best life ever, traveling, living a luxury compared to yo.... (sure, there's always that evil inkling somewhere which I cannot deny.)

No... no... I refuse to step in your shoes like you were when we were younger.  No, I refuse to act like a child.  No, I will not bring myself to the lowest, shallowest level.  No, I am better than this.  I pushed all of that evil urge out of my mind and what did I do?  I looked at you quickly and admired your kids.  I silently praised you for being a mother to those two kids who looked well behaved and did not cause any scenes or ruckus in the restaurant.  They were young gentlemen.  I praised you for making ends meet by working in the medical field.  Those are not easy jobs to have and I am in awe of you.  As soon as I saw you, I smiled and looked away.  I finally saw you as my equal.  You weren't the person I remembered.  You were something else. Something I long to be, a mother.  But I admired you for doing the impossible and I would cheer at your side whenever you were feeling low.

Now, I should have approached you and talked to you.  But I wasn't sure if you'd remember me.  So, next time, I'd better approach you and ease you in a conversation.  Maybe we'd be friends.  But if I had talked to you, I would have sang your praises on motherhood, your young gentlemen, and working.  Maybe I'd get to know you better. But today changed how I would remember you from now on.

So, to the mother in the blue scrubs of the two young gentlemen at Whataburger,  I wish you luck in the near future and I'll do better next time to approach you and introduce myself. Keep it up, you are doing wonderfully.

Thank you for all you do in the medical field.

Your former middle school classmate

P.S.  I've seen these kind of stories with pictures but I respect yours and your kids' privacy so I did not include nor take one.

The Hook-Up and The Tune-Up

I am so so sorry everyone who has been waiting for the Hook-up and tune-up part of my blog. The wait is over!  Here it is and now you can experience what my family witnessed on that day, (March 13th and 14th of 2014). I am so grateful that my Aunt Kathy came from New Jersey, cousin Colleen from Fort Worth, TX (go Horned Toads!), my mom from El Paso, TX and my sister Becky and brother in law, Beto, from Fallbook, CA came all this way to be here for this special moment. My sister Carli hosted us at her home in Houston, TX where the surgery and hook up took place.  

Thank you to all who supported me and prayed for me through out this process.  It has been an incredible success and has made quite a difference in my life.  My hearing and articulation has greatly improved.  Everyday has been a learning moment and each day I hear new sounds and each sound has been a breakthrough.

The biggest problem I have these days are that I hear sounds but have a hard time understanding or making out what I hear.  That is the challenge I face daily but definitely is improving!

I went to two different appointments.  The first appointment was the first time I put on the implant device and was able to hear the first new sounds.  The second day was the tune up of sounds on the device. I went once every two-three weeks to get tuned up to higher and louder sounds during the summer.  Now, I am going every three-six months until I feel I do not need tuned up that often.  Then each year after that I would check in to see if I am set with what I am hearing.

 All set and ready to go get hooked up!

The three sisters together again

 Stopped at the Egg and I for breakfast before the appointment

Going up!

 This is the magnet implanted in my ear/head

 Hooked up to the machine to adjust the suitable volumes to hear

After the hook up we went to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate

 Becky checking it out

 So incredibly grateful my sister and bro in law came all the way from California to be here for this!

We goof off too much

Day two of getting tuned up  (When I say tuned up, I mean tuned up)

The device comes with a switch board which controls the volume and the pitch of the sounds I allow myself to be comfortable with.  We started small then worked our way up to the sounds I hear now.

 My brother in law from CA and my sister from TX

Made my first phone call on the implant to Aunt Kathy and Colleen

The device around my neck is a wireless Bluetooth and headphone connected to my device on my ear which enables me to speak on the phone as well as listen to music.

 Apparently it was a huge moment for my siblings and mom

Talking to Joey on the phone via bluetooth

Trying to figure out songs playing via blue tooth

My bro in law just had to be in the pic

After both appointments, I was exhausted. Hearing in a new way wore me out. Notice my new puppy sleeping with me!

Mimosas to celebrate!

My sister Carli, Cousin from Fort Worth, Colleen, Me, and sister from CA, Becky

 After the implant hook up we did what our family does best when together, play games!

This is the covered lips test to see if I understand what she is asking or saying.  That was hard!

I would like to post more videos but the memory is too great.  Anyone know how to edit videos and be able to reduce the memory to be able to share on here?  It would be so helpful!

Why Robin William's Death is Personal For Me

In the mist of this tragic death,  I have never cried over a celebrity death until now.  Robin Williams' death is truly devastating and heartbreaking.  It hits close to home for me because like Robin, I suffer from severe depression.  Just a couple weeks ago I was close to getting where Robin is today and I cried out for help almost everyday.  This is a man who entertained us with laughter and made sure that all his friends were happy.  But he, himself, was fighting a disease of alcoholism and drugs as well.  No one should ever let depression consume their life.

Dear Friends and Family, please be aware that when someone goes through depression, they should never be alone and they always need someone there to help them. They need all the love and support you can give them. Depression isn't just a feeling, its a mind-controlling disease that just consumes who we are.  When people are depressed, the mind just shuts down and there is no control nor motivation to live life.  It is consumed by darkness and negativity.  It's a very, very painful experience.

The way I best explain it to people is like being stuffed into a small dark closet and it gets suffer by the minute.  Your mind becomes your own enemy giving you all the thoughts that drive you to escape the pain and darkness and suffering.  You feel like causing yourself harm or others harm will help release what you feel, hence, drugs, alcohol, suicide, cutting, fighting, arguing, anything negative.  I hate to say it but I have done it all but attempt suicide since I am still here today but I am not going to deny that I have attempted suicide a number of times. I have fought it numerous times throughout my life and I come out stronger each time thanks to the ever loving friends and family and their continuous support.

Here are two messages I felt that refers to Robin Williams' death and I would encourage you to pass the word on.  We are not alone.  I am not alone.  YOU are not alone.

Why Robin Williams' Death Is Personal For Depression Patients | YourTango

Dear Friends, Like many of you, when I first heard the news about Robin Williams’ death I felt a great sense of disbelief. As an entertainer, he transcended generations and genres to delight and inspire millions of people. He devoted his life to bringing joy and laughter to others, so it’s no surprise that he touched so many people so profoundly. Like so many, I was surprised at how much of an effect his loss had on me. I remember watching Robin with my children. He was a welcome and familiar face whose almost child-like enthusiasm connected with all of us. He brought compassion and humanity to his dramatic roles —his portrayal of a psychiatrist in Good Will Hunting is my all-time favorite. As someone who gave so much of himself to others, Robin struggled privately with addiction and severe depression which can distort your thinking and make a period of depression feel endless. The truth is that we don’t talk enough about depression. If you are worried for yourself, a friend or a loved one simply talking about it can be helpful. Learning the signs, symptoms and treatment options about depression and other mental health conditions is a place to start. You can visit www.nami.org or call the NAMI HelpLine at (800) 850-NAMI for information and support. If you are in crisis, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255). We all deal with loss in different ways. Some of us might have watched Robin Williams’ movies yesterday or remembered a time we saw perform. Others spoke about how depression had affected them and how they related to him. Almost as soon as the news broke many NAMI supporters made memorial donations in honor of “Robin” or “Mork” or even “O Captain! My Captain.” Others were inspired to call the NAMI HelpLine to volunteer. Mental illness can be isolating. But it doesn’t have to be. When we talk about mental illness, depression and suicide we inform each other about how to help. Robin Williams will be missed. We wish him peace. We offer our condolences and thoughts to his family as we say goodbye to a fearless and beloved entertainer. Dr. Ken Duckworth Medical Director, NAMI

I am proud to say that I am a member of this wonderful organization and they have done so much and more for people like me.  Many cities have a local organization.  I strongly encourage you to support it, join it, or volunteer for it.  Even though you don't have a mental illness, someone you know and love may. Robin, may you "bangarang" in Heaven, granting wishes far and wide, show love and affection like Ms. Doubtfire, Mork it up, and respect the "O'Captain, my Captain" forever.  Your genie self will fly on always.
I love you all and I pray faith brings light to those in darkness.